What's Up

It's been a while since I actually made a post that wasn't simply the weekly Friday Five so I thought I'd better give it a go.

Recently I actually found myself feeling very jealous and insecure in my relationship with Brie. She has been traveling a lot for work and whenever she travels it is necessary that I take time off from work to stay with the kids. It began when she was in Dallas for 4 days, by the time she returned I was feeling very isolated. While she was gone we had a party for the beginning of football season. It was a party we were both suppose to be a part of, but then she ended up flying out early Sunday so I was left to have it alone. I had a great time entertaining our friends, which are actually all ex-co-workers of Brie's. Then it started to become really apparent to me that I have no life outside of my family. 2 weeks later she went to L.A. overnight. When she called me late in the evening I could tell she was out to dinner and all I could hear was what sounded like a couple of guys asking her what she wanted to order. I snapped. All along I kind of comforted myself that when Brie is traveling on business it's just business and she always told me that it wasn't that fun, then I started putting it all together, how when she went to Dallas she talked about one of her male co-workers noticing that everytime they are together she is drinking some kind of new alcoholic beverage and how many he bought her and everyone in their group. So in my isolation it all started swimming in my head that when Brie is gone she goes out drinking and to dinner with men I don't even know. As a matter of fact she goes out to dinner and drinks with those people more often than she does with me. I started to spiral because all I have is time on my hands with my kids and I freaked.

That hasn't happened to me in a very long time. By nature I've never been secure in relationships, but for some reason Brie always made me feel secure, that's one of the ways I knew she was my soulmate. She never has really had to experience how ugly the head of my jealousy can be when it rears itself. She did experience it once when I we were 20 and both drunk. One of our friends thought it would be funny to tell me Brie had sneaked off with some guy at a party we were having and I went chasing after, jumping out of a moving car and grabbing her, threatening to whack her head into a car. I swear to this day that I did it in a joking manner, however she didn't see it that way .. you know HA HA HA very funny :( Ever since then I have kept the tightest grip I can on my jealousy.

So the question is why now, why after nearly 13 years of marriage and 16 years together did I start to lose control? Certainly a big part of it is the new experience of Brie travelling so much coupled with my complete lack of a life outside her and the kids. I handled her going to India for 11 days back in 1999 because I had Cait and Sean close by and with my mom living with us I was able to go out and have drinks and sing Karaoke to let off some steam and not feel so alone. I don't have that anymore, in order to see my friends I pretty much have to get on a plane or at the least drive 4½ hours. That really really really sucks.

I am driving to Vegas this weekend to see Cait, it was Brie's recommendation. I haven't seen Cait in almost 4 months which for us is an extremely long time. She hasn't even seen our new house which I admit I find very irritating. Sean and I have spent a great deal of our adult lives far apart from each other, so I'm comfortable with that. I could even say that our friendship is stronger because we are both living seperate lives that we get to share with each other. My other friends; Cindi, Tony, and Mike have always stayed in touch via phone calls and email.

Of course, I know I can't go to Vegas once a month so I'm still left with the fact that I don't have any friends close by. Mike is moving to the area next month and I hope he has the time and inclination to want to go out and do stuff together, but it has been 14 years since he and I lived with each other so who knows. I often wonder if, at almost 35, is it even possible to build close friendships anymore, do any of my acquaintances in the area have the time or desire to go out and do things without their spouses? There are a couple of them I think would be fun to just hang out with. While in Vegas I'll have to serious think about that and try to see if I have it in myself to reach out to them and try to get more involved.

Posted by John at October 03, 2002 03:19 PM